I am a normal person ..maybe..I do not know exactly but many times I feel people’s eyes glazing on me. I do not wonder why I just know I am magic. I always felt different and if I take a good look on the past I was somewhere between the sides. I always had the ability to get along with both sides of opposite and many times make them to get on a agreement. Maybe I was strange for them for just being able of understanding in a way the both of them, I knew what other wanted to say in their own way. This position over my life putted me in many weird situations since the part I was in to and with, they always talked about the other ones…how weird and strange they are and asked me how can I get along with them, why? This happen for the other side as well ..”how man? why…when did you?”I was sometime given them the word, approving their statements afterwords making them feel disappointed and sometimes even angry or aggressive on my own sacred space…I felt the hurt of this position of my understanding well in my body, in my life, the feeling and the expressions of both opposing sides smashed me, running from one side to another sometimes just for being bored or for fun…sometimes for need…sometimes I just had too…
But understanding the both sides and being liked by each of them as well as being hurt, I was also felt taken cared on. I had the luck of knowing them very well by close look even having the same behavior almost transforming myself in one of them…you could swear! I eaten with the goods and I eaten with the bad’s..and they all laugh and cheers and took care of each others..the best way they knew! They all used to say : “Man this is so nice! You are a nice guy…u are a good man!” And I always asked myself : “As seeing themselves so different, why they see me all as same, both of opposite sides have the same feelings over me?” I was feeling love from both opposite sides and that gave me a lots of joy …much more then trouble I made with them…..as knowing them so well and so closely I automatically developed a sort of self protect mechanism that somehow made me lie them sometimes and hide myself on them when seeing the other opposite side..and this brought anger inside! Even that they didn’t knew, they felt it …they felt it in their bones shaking as a broken one…in their every heart beat : “DONT LIE TO ME!!” they use to scream! “Why the fuck this happen? they cannot KNOW!” …but they felt! And I use to just wonder between the opposite sides with my own drama without understanding myself but knowing them so well…”They are hurting Me!” I use to say…
At a point, as I reflect, I pushed the limit between the opposite sides. I was so in love in only one single piece of the good part..maybe a few other them and simulate the appreciation for the rest of good one’s…I started to make the good part pissed off while hanging out on the back with the opposite side. This brought me a sort of stability and maybe lots of money…having the impression that I “take care” of that little piece (and little crumbs) of the opposite side. I handled it for a while, baptized in the illusion that being a good hep, I can be a victorious ..a champion..the best of all of them! You have the impression that you sleep safely with the knife under your pillow. Is just stressful …and get so comfortable too…to much in the same place…”make the decision” I said to myself..
At that point I was no longer in the middle …I was still knowing both of the opposite sides, but only fell in love with one…ignoring the other and..stop helping them to get along between them and have agreements..laughing with them. I was using the opposite side on my own benefit to only feed a small part the other opposite sides..I did not understood at the time but this is not between them anymore! At a moment I was feeling like losing everything…the small part that seemed everything to me…I was chased by both of the opposite sides because of me understanding so well them and taking advantage of them both…they were pissed off…chaos was in me! “What to do now..I am alone!”
I learned because I somehow had an inside knowing, not feeling the need to run on the face of fight with the opposites sides. I endured them both because I knew! I knew what I done and I was not willing to run on that side too. I kinda embraced the moment knowing that I cannot run of my own knowing ..of my very own shallowness that I use them both. But even that I knew them both and knowing that was wrong using them both in a lost way, I did not knew why I was feeling so wrong..so empty. I was just feeling it and asking my self what can I do with this and why I cannot know this one little thing that relates with both of the opposite sides. One little thing that got me so much to question about…to wonder..to ask…to feel…what drove me to know this? But at that moment I started to observe myself and see that my very own questions seems to develop in front of my eyes as useful information of many kinds…wisdom and knowledge of the very Own Mighty GOD that Created All That Is is present and I just feel connection, but at the moment I was still confuse about the conflict between opposite sides and feeling their consequences in my very own space…my feelings and senses seemed crushed …but the conflict was gone…their were just the consequences . I was not knowing anymore, but feeling at first what was the result of my own true acting of primordial self…my own rebellion over something that I was so well knowing but lees feeling….loving too much and taking a lot of advantage. I was in that first space again but until the mud was to set the waters were unsettled. I was sometimes forced to feel being pushed by one opposite side into another..I was knowing them but somehow feeling tired of them..they were so predictive, I could see thru them all both sides…see their real laugh, their true joy’s..their cowardliness or their unceasing feeling of revenge..desires…I was so tired that sometimes those feelings seemed my own ones. I was just wanting to stay alone without my knowing of them but feeling of myself.
During time I was, lets say started to educate myself by knowing one thing that was worth trying at that moment of now..what is the best of me related to the expression of myself on using the opposite sides? How can this make me feel really better without making anymore anger of the opposite sides over me and not provoke hurt in them. The only place I had to go it was in my own space…that is everyone’s place…I was smiling and thinking that they need to have the same pure desire for joy and peace on this never ending agreements. Too many choices everywhere and many times even between the opposite side there were people confused which is which too much knowing was telling my own experience somehow seeing the outcome of it. Between the opposite sides started to be again a plain feeling a sort of security developed instead of feeling to hide and lie. The consequences were over and I was starting to see the result being between.
Nothing seemed very special about outside maybe sometimes in the crowed someone can feel me caring my own line my own feeling with trying to know everyone of them but just being eager to feel one true part of them. I just stay sometimes and wonder that this ride was so miraculous and starting to be highly magical only by feeling my own life pulsating inside my very own vanes Is not the same me but the feeling is more deep, without using words without knowing anymore about me and all the opposite sides I just feel them knowing their goods in their very own hearts … in their very own hearts. Now I just wish them well wish them all the goods they need and beautiful dreams to come true for them….coming from the place that I cannot use words yet ..that place that manage to make all that trouble of using the opposite sides in my experiences is still quiet but deeper now not feeling the need to know just be! Everything is in there as same maybe as me as magical as them. The sacred place is deeper and do not use words but it does speaks and a way that sometimes makes the opposite sides love each others..smile and kiss and sometimes yell. Scream and cry and swear and fight …wanting to revenge of not knowing of the unknown knowing to much of not needed…over one side and another! Is just a dance seen from afar … like a mirage because they know too much on their own. I just stopped a while ago between the lines and start to feel … just this I want to know!
I started to meditate some time ago when sides were mean and angry …were thirsty for revenge of being so strictly judge as one and the other, that the opposite sides started to mix between them and make me wonder, I just closed my eyes and leave them fight and watch them fade. See their points and shut up be still. As the One place that does not judge the other, mediation speaks in a language that is only felt by a true listener…the kind of listener that can see the all picture of a divinely scene by only listening birds singing and specs of lights in a shadowed room. It speaks with beats of heart moving you up and down riding with your own breath your most precious gift that does not use words as well. You can only feel her life pulsating blood to your vanes. In moments of peace it infuse you imagination and move your energy discovering parts that you really are making all the knowing fall, but not to braking it to dust….making it fall to your heart and feeling the knowing and understanding by living your true wisdom. Is a magical space that is everything, connects and where opposites are transformed, not taken advantage off…but where are seen and accepted, making them better not something else – you just watch and see, everything else is already done! You will be done when you see That Everywhere….
Sometime we might need a shock…to wake us up of running and taking advantage even if we think is the good you do …you might take advantage in some part which is running opposite sides and this get them pissed off because you seem you know them so well and still you act like you use them against each other. Love & Peace! Namaste